Friday, May 8, 2015

A Soul Touched By You

The quiet afterwards, the flashing of memories, the echoing of laughs, the falling of tears, and all the moments that make goodbyes unbearable. No matter how planned they are, their effect can never be accurately estimated. People come and go, but what they've done to you is what lasts. What lasts are those times when they've pushed you further or held you back. It's the words of encouragement or the words of belittlement. It's their looks of trust, their empowerment or their looks of disgust and discouragement. What lasts is the body of feelings buried within your soul that resurges with the memories stirred by the aches of separation.

Winning is a journey, a story to be told. What we win is all the time we've spent together preparing for the moment of truth. It's how we have helped each other stand the test of time, and how we have followed into the inevitable road to separation. It's the fire that you've built in me that keeps burning despite the blowing winds of your departure. It's the new me that I have become, it's the pieces of you that I hold so dearly close to every insecurity I have ever had to keep me calm, steady, and strong. I rise and stand after a time when doubt had successfully blinded me from seing beyond the fog. The search was hard amidst all desparity and the feelings of lonliness and fear were starting to conquer me. However, I've been saved by a shadow striding steadily towards me. A shadow escorting me through the dark, cold and uncertainity. Never revealing itself to me completely throughout the process, yet leaving me behind, when the time had come, able to see even when vision is obscure. You left me with hope. You've awakened my might, my power, and my pride from amidst the dust.

These words you may never know of. Indeed, you may never know, but I shall never forget you my mentor. I shall never forget your approaching shadow. Goodbye and Thank You...

Friday, March 7, 2014

Imaginary Lover

Words cram amidst my throat, jamming my airway. I swallow hard, forcing the lump down. My heart gasps, drowning, drenched in all those bottled up feelings. There's no more room and the pressure keeps building up. I close my eyes trying hard to feel your imaginary hand receiving my face. I shiver as I try to shake off that zap of electricity. Lyrics of a sad song play in my head as I lay thinking of you. I don't know how this is even possible, thinking of someone you've never seen nor heard. I've heard imaginary friends are fun, imaginary lovers though, I'm not quite sure. Somewhere between dreams and reality we've met. Time hadn't stopped but I have. I stopped and stepped away from everything familiar just to be with you. Walking straight through a tunnel, expecting to see the light every now and then though never reaching it. I find it hard to look back because it feels like I have come a long way, yet I've grown a thousand years staring at the darkness that lay ahead. I'm alone when it comes to reality but I've loved the illusion of being in your company. You're in my head, a piece of narcotic imagination, fed by the fire of desiring you within my heart. A heart I've once lost touch with, a heart that seemed to connect only with you my imagination. Won't you come tonight? It's been a while, and despite the fact that you've been away, I'm expecting you. I prepare the songs we shall dance to, and the words we shall exchange. I prepare for you a better version of myself, one that's more patient, wiser, surprisingly forgiving and filled with infinite love for you. I prepare our fairytale. Complicated, but I get it. I've lost myself to you. I've lost misrably my ticket back to reality. I've lost to my imagination. Banned from all means of reaching out for you, I find myself at your door. Staring at a cold wall I bleed all sorts of emotions, hoping that mercy would bring about some life into that wall. Hoping you'll somehow hear me behind that wall. I listen carefully but I can't hear you say that you love me. I stare into every face but I fail to recognise your complexion. I grasp hold onto elusive air but you are no where near tangible. You're not here but you are, you must be my imaginary lover. You must be because I couldn't be part of nothing. You must be because I couldn't have submitted myself to no one. You must be because I couldn't have fallen in love with imagination. Or could I? Echoes of that last thought reverberate across space and come back at me, exposing my kind of logic to myself. Or could I? No answer, no thoughts, no reflections whatsoever. A mere fact I'm faced with. Too good to be true, or too true to be good? Please, I plead and beg, then refrain from further squashing my dignity.  Still no answer, no matter what I do. No matter what I do I lose to you. Perfect art, secrets of drawings buried with the ingenious artists, leaving the entire world wondering, burning with curiousity and at best  guessing. You're perfect art my imaginary lover. Secret beyond resolution and perfect beyond flaw. On my knees, I stand before you in admiration, again abandoned. The thought of "normal" makes me laugh. Why can't I be normal? Why settle for normal when I've been where no one else had ever dared to set foot. Afterall, madness doesn't seem so mad. Do whatever pleases you. I will be me, I will be the greatest love your heart ever knew. I'm worn, beaten, and in my simplest form, yet torture can no longer be inflicted upon me. I've grown immune. Being stripped to the core, stripped of flesh and blood, I'm left with bone. Resilient, remaining right where it had been buried. A proof of the existance of the caracess that had once roamed amidst the living. So do as you please my imaginary lover, do as you please. Many have lords turned into slaves but never have mountains bowed to winds.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

An Amputation

Surgically speaking, an amputation is a very messy procedure. It's a determined decision. We cut everything from the skin all the way down to the bone. The point is we don't stop. In an amputation, there's no going back.

We are not butchers. After all, to take a major decision like this, as surgeons we have to have really good reasons to do so. Taking something that GOD has given away from someone, is by far one of the most difficult things to do.

''Sir, this leg is dead. Even if stays, it won't be of use, it will as well take your life if you don't allow us to interfere. I understand how difficult it is for you to have to make this decision, and I feel your pain, honestly. However, if it were possible this dilemma is to be solved in any other way, I wouldn't have procrastinated sincere efforts to save the leg.'' Maybe that sounded like something that came out of Grey's Anatomy (the series), but it's not. It's reality. Decisions like these are very difficult to make. Yet once the reasons are obvious, benefits outweigh risks, and once the decision is made, we cut.

Not once have we stopped in the ORs and tried to reverse an amputation. The minute we grab hold onto that blade, we are 100% focused and determined to sever everything. Even bone doesn't get in our way when cautery and blades fail. We saw the bone. We get the job done.

The last time I checked, I have had an amputation. I wake up every day ever since that day and I see a stump. I have amputated you. Please, do not come back asking me for a reversal. Dead amputated limbs don't come back. You were a great gift from GOD, and the hardest blessing to lose, just like a limb, but the decision has been made and dead amputated limbs just don't come back.

Home

It feels like I'm traveling to an entirely new and different life. In an airplane filled with strangers, I remain quiet as I listen to subtle melodies on my iphone. Meanwhile, a load full of thoughts drain me from all energy. I find myself watching my life flash right in front of my eyes. Memories from this morning force a smile on my face and drench my eyes with tears. I noticed that I love my life and that I already miss it. I noticed that the airplane seats were occupied with stories. Airplanes are no different from bookshelves, I thought to myself. Though, I was only able to see book covers through the eyes and attires of the many elderly surrounding me, I felt really proud of my own story, a weird form of self-satisfaction I haven't previously experienced. I felt like a masterpiece, GOD's very best creation, not in a sense of superiority, but in a sense of tremendous gratitude. I am swamped with acceptance. The past 6 months were far from easy, and I feel like I can finally see the light. It feels like sunrise, fresh, true, comforting, warm, and very personal. Seems like everyone here is going back home, to where safety is, to where one feels self centered. At first, I thought I was heading home too, or at least I wanted to believe so, however, I found out that home is where I had just took off. It was in the arms of a loving mother no matter how ill, it was in the inches of land I set foot on every morning no matter how dry, it was in the time I spent living a life, making something out of myself no matter how exhausting, it was in the arms of an amazing soulmate, and in the memories amidst foolish childish behavior with friends no matter the fights. I am flying many miles above the ground, floating, though neither distance nor time mean anything now.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Blink my Cursor, Blink.

My cursor blinks, looking right at me with anticipation, like a child filled with curiosity as eager and impatient.  What will you write next? A poem, a thought? How far will you take me? A paragraph, a page? It, however, manages to wait, loyal for as long as forever. It stands there at the end of every letter I type, pleading for me to type more, to push it farther along the line, like a slave high on abuse. It marks the beginning of every story untold, and marks the sour end to them too. It's a tongue, liberating speech and thought. It's a heart, beating efficiently. It's a lover, coming back after every departure. It's a guide, cutting a road through blankness. It's a voyager, leaving a trail behind. It's a leader, right at the frontier, ready to push the army of words behind it an extra mile for the win. 

I cannot but respond to it's blinking, looking at me with puppy eyes. I cannot but feel a necessity to compose for it's loyalty. I cannot but respect its bravery and applaud its ways, and so I type. Allowing it to take me to where I never would have been able to go alone, to a new line, one after another. It's my number one fan, my shelter, my challenger, my salvation, and my muse. We share the obligation to tell, like a bed, common grounds, that I can simply no longer ignore nor turn my back to. A couple, we build a home, weave a plot, and create a world of our own. The relationship between us refuses borders, boulders, restraints, and infidelity. Therefore, I must be true, and what it asks of me must ensue.

Blink my cursor, blink, and let us sail away across a new sea full of adventure. Blink away, blink, and unravel a new world, a new truth before our eyes. Blink today, blink, and affirm a present full of promise. Blink again, blink, and push all efforts that seem to be tiring. Blink my cursor, blink, and let there be writing, let there be history, and literature, and life.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Night

  Sleep had eloped with all of my dreams, and I have become a dreamless insomniac. Often I'd find myself alone with the night. We'd remain quiet for hours. At times, I get bold enough to confront it in silence, while at others, I'm way too discouraged, and I hide amidst piles of work in more silence. It's beautiful, my relationship with the night, and it's simple, unlike everything else going on in my life. 

  With tunes of a beautiful cello and piano to my ears, I close my eyes in the arms of the night, and we dance. It takes me away, hiding me far from the chaos of the morning bustle, from my fears, and my responsibilities. I love it, and how it grants me much attention. There's only me amidst the night, only I am wrapped tightly in its black cloak, only I am held so closely with tender love and affection like no other, yet again in overwhelming silence.

  I paint all sorts of colors and hope into a future that remains unknown yet seems exhausting, as my eyes remain closed. The night watches as I do so with a peaceful grin, nodding at how young I can be. Then, I'd let out sighs of relief and gratitude knowing with certainty that the night listens with patience to all of my unspoken misery. To me, it's just magical having the night all for myself stealthily like a mistress. There's just a tasty spice to it, something beyond my capability to understand, something my feelings though constantly demand, a silently perfect lover.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Panic Attacks

I thought that I was never going to stand tall again. I thought that I was forever broken, nothing more than damaged goods, lying around still and lifeless amongst the rest of the pieces of shattered glass scattered about in this deserted warehouse we call life. Every time I used to hold her hands and ask her wondering if things will ever get back to how they were, I'd doubt her when she'd look at me, smile beautifully, and tell me with all the confidence in the world that it'll pass the way everything else we have been through had passed. I love her so much, I'd then think to myself and smile back silently, holding in my pain, fear, and doubt away from what her eyes could see, protecting her from feeling helpless and in chains.

I was sweating, lightheaded, and breathing with difficulty. I was terrified. Death felt close, hovering around, leaving me to my torture while watching in exhilaration before deciding to take my soul. The sound of my heart was loud enough to ring in my ears almost rendering me deaf to anything else, and the pounding was powerful enough to feel like my heart was trying to tear away from all of what holds it down in place and dissect its way out of my chest fleeing for its life. It was agony in one of its purest forms. Overall I wanted to run, far away from where I stood. I would if I could, but I couldn't, so I stay put. I stood there, a statue, with an escalating war inside. Destruction brought all of Rome down to ashes inside of me yet I stood there, a statue. I held my ground.

The suffering went on for a month and a half. There were times in between when I wanted to succumb to medications and bid my will to be enslaved by a pill. Ridiculous you think? Salvation I thought. I am non-other than a bag of flesh and bones, incapable of being divine, though capable of believing in THE divine and in a better tomorrow, so I clenched on to my faith one day at a time. I knew deep down that God had something in store for me, something beyond what my dreams could see, and sure did he. He raised me up to be a bark by surrounding my green weakness with adversity. He allowed life to batter me to bits with an iron fist, but fixed my bones with screws and plates of strength and perseverance. He let me drown in a sea of fears, but taught me how to swim to shore. I am who I am today, standing tall, and a living proof for you to see that what does't kill you makes you stronger.